.in the beginningin the bonewhite tendrilsof holy fire, the nightate away at it all,that acid tide -it ate away atthe bud in the mudand the blood,it burned their bodiesbut left their ghostsso they could beidentified -and then a wildman, a monsterpressed his thumb intothe air, he drewa cross upon his facesaid lightand nowi am drowningi am drowning in lighti am drowningin the whiteand the goldas he sitsat the end of my bedand he shouts -for somethingor someonei don't knowand i scream, god, please justlet me sleep!let me sleepin the cold barren groundof the earth,let it pull me right inthrough its mangle -and i feel a stingin the crook of my armwhen they come(and then even the wolves, even the wolves start to whimper)
.something snappedlike boneand blood floweredon the carpet(i grabbed the hand of that man, and he knew)
.i feel in a languagei don't understand,and the wings of the bird in my kitchen, theywon't get to feel the sky anymore -and sometimes doesn't it feel good?to put two fingers round the neckof a flower andsnap,hear the petals scream fortheir withering limbs,then start choking(instinct)
.here,here isthe mind of me, sodden,here is the mind i triedto drown -i think my mother,she gave birth to an ocean,a child unsteadyand blue, she saysthe stormy seas givethe best pearls of wisdom,i don't care, i just wantout of the water -i will take art therapywhen i am twenty one,spend ten minutes paintingmy arms blue, poke my finger intoa pile of fish hooks, imagineif that was your mouth -she says put it on paper,be gentle, be gentle,ivory, i'll always need ivory,rabbits slit down bellyto tail, here to here,i'm not a child - i draw christwith a cone on his head andsay he was pulling his stitches,hyenas, red, bloody andcackling, i draw that sonof anger and the insane dogthat bit me, leave the paperwhite white white and sayi'm not that anymore(lena says doesn't that mean you're a satanist or something?)
.i can't sleep and the sky makes me sickit can see you -but what can i do? untie the limbsand remove the gagand let my poetry go,feel the rivers start emptyingbursting their banks,pay attention -your heart was a foreign body, rejectedyour hands, your hands had no shame,greased with blood and losing their gripon the world, but what could you do?there was no sense in the way that theyhurt you, the way they poured salton the wounds(the way they smothered one pain with another)
.she saysexplain these thingsto me -i say the silence sort of ticks - my sadnesshas a face, think blue, think black and grey, think sanguinered, the end of may, he had a pulse too strongfor me to take,i killed it, stripped it bare, i carried it rightto it's grave - i say andmy lungs, they feel like frost, they're filled with silverlight and sharpness, rattling pips, a scream - i stayedinside my bed for weeks, i didn't eat, i didn'tdream - i think in fire, flame, volcano,resurrect you, keep your nameinside me like a splinterturning green(i could not bring myself to say yes, but i think you know that)
.i wokeon theedgeof nothing,one armdanglingover theledge(numb from the wrists down)
.september -i've been underthe illusion it'sa sundayfor four days,i sit on your kneeat the kitchen table,roll one of thebullets under my fingercold gold andand smooth,do you know whatthat is? -yeahbut i don't thinkyou do - he saysyou're fuckin weird,you know that? fuckincold, maybe i'll juststart calling youwinter -and he doesnovember -they grace me withthree days, and i cannotconvince youto come with medecember -the only time i like youis when you're asleep,i gnaw one leg out ofa trapjust to crawl my wayinto another(it takes everything i have not to smash my bottle over your head)
.and i have seen deer necks, limptheir bodies cold as death,hooves made of glass, hooves shattered,arrows piercing hind legsrunning sweat and crimson, i have walkeda path of deadwood, paths of black treesmoss and bark, i have felt their spines beneathmy feet, felt suicides of leavesunfolding, still asleep -i have seen eleven chestnut horsesflailing in the sea, frothing at the mouthand drowning, found themselvestoo deepand tired -goddess leant over my bed and she saidi know you, i know you from somewheredon't i? you've still got those paper lanterns driftingin the black skies of your eyes, you lay and praymy girl, you lay and pray -the hinges of the moon, they rust,don't open up to you, cos something darkit grows inside, will gnaw its way rightthroughyour silver skin -and now i sit arms out and upturned,braid the light with my split lip, and no i do notwant to talk about the overbite, the mark, i knowi smell of sterile -he said look at all these inse
.i hearthe sun hisswhen it catchessight of the moon,i see you too, so pleasedo not come any closer -i crack wordswide open to see justwhat they're reallymade of, and i longto do the sameto you, i thinka crowbar is the only thingthat would give youa more open mind, iswing then prise -you laughand saya moth in searchof the lightis boundto get burned(what are you in for?)
.and you;i understand if you have towith the sun painted gold on yourtiger back bone, i won't moveeverything else is in it's place,everything -if you open your eyes up wide,put your ear tothe lungs that breathe insidebut not in mine, no not in my holy waters,my still still waters, but stillthe sea will surge overthe sand, and i will take whateveryou can give me and sleep, i will sayi want the hand of god betweenmy ribs, i want a mechanical life,i want no part in the winding evilcurling itself inside me, pleasei want no part in settling down, i wantto see stars the colour of champagne, openwrists like blind slats so i can seethe light, keep fresh insidewith cling film stretched across,go on then do it, listen, i will let you,i will take your lover's song, the blamebe storyteller to them all, sit intheir kitchens, pet their dogsconceal the fact and smileas life drags me down the aisleto that bastard standing theredressed all in black, the king of allthat dea
.i have followed you, nightafter night,followed your voice, those silveryribbons of air -led me to the black gateswhere you lay,curled -i sit on my roof,and the darkness sticksout it's tongue(it says make sure you smile, they'll think you're not glad to be here)
.even the devil'sgot a kinder firethan you, red -was the wolfafter all that he'd eaten,it says you need to look at mewhen i'm talking to you,so i open my eyesbut i don't see,i say i understand,but i don't know -if i'll come aroundthis time to see it sittingthere, thinking -i'm dead,i understand,i understand,and maybe if i scrunch upmy eyes when i go,i'll be able to withstandthe heat(why keep feeding a stray that you don't want around?)
.i think you know of hair wound tight round a hand like ropeof thoughts that sail in and let down anchorin the night, sleep drifting away on the black tide,i think you know of god up in the crow's nest, keeping watchhis eyes have rolled at us so much they rattle, loose nowin their pits like marbles, they say he knowsi have examined the slides of my childhood, uprooted my body,yanked myself out of my years with my own gloved handlike a weed and stared in disgust, it's only naturalthat you should still want to sleep with one arm overyour head, she said, don't you think?i think the sun lit upthe world's scarsand felt bad, hung its headthrough the horizonand cried in shamenow i don't think it's evergoing to stop raining(i am holding up my mind, i am shoving it in your face)
.she saidcall meif you need meand i do,i can't,i cannot sleep,got ghosts workingthe night shiftas i speak i layin the bathinstead of the bed,and she sayssilly,i saywe're madeof repetitionand i know you'dsee it tooif you lookedclose enough -(charlotte charlotte, look at it this way)
.i will carrya small hope, a grainof itin my pocket(it will do whatever it can)
.if you were here i'd forget you again,hack your name with a cleaver and wipe offthe ink on my apron, spend the rest of my daysstained black in the creases of all my fingersand thumbs, i know there is a lesson waiting,maybe in the summerlands i'll see a blindinglight,my funeral pyre,maybemaybemaybelost in the woods it will come to me, wings clippedand say, it's time you picked a sideand stuck with it, wear yourself down to your bonesand make it quick, he's coming, well what if i wantto sicken and die? lay my head in the hydrangeas and fadefrom purple to blue, just wither away, okay? wellyeah but not in a day, i guess i'll have to stayon the doorstep drunk, a waste of skinand time, i hearthe bark of next door's dog and wonderif he knows(too many souls)
.and they knew,they knew i'd gone -when they found me outside crouchedwith a string box and stick, singingi'm going to catch me my death,make him sick -now i sit in a gown that is whiterthan white, doesn't suit me,this ghost to myself -on the corridor bench with my kneestucked in under my chin, rattlingwith green yellow blue(i've told you, i know where i'm going)
lunarWhen I was six years old,I decided I wanted toeat the moon.Mom with her pink frayed bathrobeand tired eyestold me to go to sleep,that I had school in the morning.Dad with his stacks of booksand prickly beardtold me that it was impossible,the moon was too distant.Well, guess what?I ate the fuckin moon.And it was delicious.Bitches can't tell me shit,I'll eat the fuckin moon if I want to.
resurgencelet's make small talk,six month silence swelling;sticking inside our throats,filling the space between us.let's make small talkand skirt furtive eyes aroundthe absence we never quiteaccustomed ourselves to.this is easy,but then it's always beeneasy.we move lightly,flow smoothlyin synchronous;an oh-so similarfamiliar scene.let's make small talk,stumble on faux pas promisesand the intimacy between twowho are no longer intimate.orbiting the past,we dance in words.
now i see the stars.there was a time when icouldn't catch my breath whenever ithought about you , (crippled lungs and-boy, you hit me like an asteroid,there's a crater on my chest now that I can't ever seem to fill,even withoceans of my tears cried onnights when you couldn't be there to sing me to sleep.thirty two poemless days after you joined the constellations,i walked out into the yard and howled to the empty sky,andfor a moment i was Gaea, rivers running down my cheeks,weighted to the ground andburied in myself, butwhere there is no light there are no shadows, andsometimes, i wonder if i miss me.yes, yes i do.i may not see the moon, but
a poem on the inner workings of my chaotic mindit isn't like i'mlazy or anything it's just thatthe thought of getting lostin a crowd of ten or more peoplemakes me want to puke.this is not just somestupid little hang-up that you canjoke about when i'mdigging my fingernails into my palm sohard that blood is drawn as we walk throughschool hallways so packed that it feelslike we're suffocating from too muchoxygen but i just grit my teeth andlaugh "yeah, i know, i just don't likebeing around people sometimes."but you know,there's just something about the waymy mother says "go out and have a lifeand stop looking like the worldbetrays you every day"that makes my stomach dropor when my dad looks at me and justsighs, like they've finally realizedi was never good enough to betheir daughter.and to everyone who believes thati just need to relax,to just calm down and think:fuck you. fuck you for trying to pretendlike you know how it feels when mybones grind together like brokengears as i walk by people who mayor
...i stand facing the windso i canfeel the world hitme at a 1000milesa minute,to provei can take a blowstronger thanyou.
NostalgiaI use to recite the alphabet every day.I would start at A, but always stop at U,Then look out at the porch andPaint her portraits of herselfMade out of words. Colors always ended upOutside the lines and shapes blurred with tears.But it never mattered.These paintings became a galleryDocumenting life in a chronologicalFashion, so when I look back, I could playbackThese moments of innocence like movies.I still find myself reciting the alphabet,But I’ve moved on to V.I started coloring inside the lines.I can see vividly now…. I can seeVividly now.
treasureI watched beauty die today.She said, "I've lived too longand now nobody knowswhat I really am."
you have seven days to live.1.the news doesn't hurt:it's his eyes that hurt you,the glimmer of his pastcreeping in just likehis father used to creep inat three a.m.with a sin on his mindand rage on his hands.he waits for you to react,but you don'tbecause he's suddenly seven again,hiding bruiseswhile mommy criesin a ball on the couch.2.you think timeis a funny thing.people talk about itlike it is an object:"I need more time," they say,like they will go to the store laterand buy more.but you know that timeis more like an ocean wave,with an endlesspounding that continueslong after we greet the dirt,and we want more time,but time doesn't want us.3.he tries to force youinto his wrists,his ankles, his collarbone.he thinks that if heloves you enough,he can save you.you know that he can't,so you cut through himnight after night,searching for an exit.4.sometimes death scares you.you remind yourself thateverything ends,no matter how much you wantan infin
succubusNemesis likes to play fair,and I respect her for that.if I stab out your eye,you're welcome to stab out mine.and when we chat about "equality,"we sometimes work around the word,taking quiet bites to miss the rotten spots.no one understands untilthey taste the grainy blacknessrubbing on the roof of their mouth.no one understandsunless it happens to them.so, when she speaks her mind,she's a bitch,and nobody loves a bitch.the truth is,nobody loves when their punching baglearns to punch back;suddenly the game isn't fun anymore.and we're reduced to that one word,"bitch,"reduced tothat feminist with the wordsmen roll their eyes to.now we've truly sunk,getting on their level,clawing like cats,drawing bloodbut not raising wages,not preventing rape,not fixing anything.they are childrenwith their palms pressed over their ears.they want me to be robotic, a fleshysex-doll for them to fuckwho has tits and no brain,and I've screamed myself hoarsebut all I've lear
.the moon shudders;silver dust landsin my hair and i sigh,knock it off -what's your problem?i'm frustrated -i've been trying tostrike a match that won'tlight for two hours,she saysyou carry a lighter,remember?