.she told me i had soft palms,i said yeah but i've got a hardheart, because wheni was young i got giventwo goldfish, and one day thebig ate the littleand that's when i learnt i'dbe fucked by the world, it woulddo the same thing to me too(i heard the language of evil and i started to speak it, saw the actions of evil and i started to be it)
.i laid in the flowers andi listened to them hum,i think i loved your handsthe most, even when theyflayed me to the boneand i don't think i'msupposed to talk about -the devil, he said i'velived one hell of a life,you see, just read myname out backwards,and god ain't nothingbut a dog, so don't youeven go wasting your time(i left my conscience pining outside the door)
.i dug up thepast again, thosememories viciousand snarlingi set them looseinside the houseand now we haveto leave
.my thoughts want toflee, but there is no fireescape, no guide to theexit of my head, and theyconsider digging a holethere, i feel it, maybe acrack just wide enoughto crawl through, drop arope through the backof my neck and climbdown, prise open theearth - a tremble turnsinto an avalanche, anda snowflake in the flurrywonders am i the same asall the rest? he coughs andsplutters and chokes onit - i wake in the earlymorning, heart lodgedin my throat, that redbird in that chimney, he'sgoing to starve there andi'll be spitting feathers;i won't claw the insideof my neck again fornobody, i'm past that,pick me up by thescruff and drop mewherever you're going -but wait, when lightningstrikes a tree, well isn'tthat love? and when therain pelts the ground,well what about then?when you miss the acheof wounds as they'rehealing, is that it? wellwhen your nose bleeds,that's still love right?cos i've got an entirepack to get through -and what a funnything it is
.unbutton my skinand let me fall out;(a mass of red and blue strings to wind round your fingers)
.in a poemeverything comesto life, so i writeabout you, i writeabout you, and iam still keepingus alive(light the path then, lantern eyes, if you know the fucking way out of here)
.karma sits on my sofawhiskey doused, eyes rolled upto the top of his head, and he saysjust do whatever the fuck makesyou happy, mate, just dowhatever you want(what a terrible thing to be full to the brim with emptiness)
.she said i spentnine months on thiswork of art, and nowit's justdestroyingitself(it's tearing through its own beautiful canvas)
.the birds don't singanymore, they sigh -a magpie shouts, i thinkit's time you heard this,god you really are a stupidgirl, if you saw thingsfrom up here you'd understand,see - some kids they don'tever hatch, don't meanthat it's your fault, and ifyou hold on to the shell ofem you're the one that's gonnacrack - so throw it out yeahjust get rid of it i'llhelp you if you want, i'llscoop it up with one swiftwing, and i won't bebringing it back(things might be picture perfect but i much prefer the frame)
.i rememberedthe conversation with the anesthetist,he said place your thumbs over your eyesand press gently, and i replied isn't thatlizards?and no i can't feel my hands but i'mnot really bothered, i will sleepsleep and sleep, i won't need them,and please keep an eye on the sea til iwake, it might pack up its fish andgo travelling, it might leak throughthe holes in the earth like a sieve,all the shipwrecks and sharks willbe homeless(i don't believe in anything, and that makes me a liar because i believe in that)
.how am i feeling? well todayi'm a phoenix, doc, here get mean ash tray i'll show youand please i just wanna sleeplike lena does, i got a brainlike a ten ton weight(and i'm still holding what's dead because no one else can carry it, and i can't get into bed until i find somewhere to bury it)
.and goddess,this isn't something i cansweat or starve out of me,i'll have to write and it willbe madness,see i've often thought aboutplacing my head in the pestleand mortar, i wonder if i couldgrind out the hell inside, becomea red pulp on the worktop, andeven the oven keeps tutting at me,it's so easy, just open the doorstick your hand in, feel his forkedtongue on your palm,orange lover, youknow you'rea cowardfor thisand it's truethat the dead are never reallysilent, they grunt and they groanin their damp soil sheets,toss and turn overagain(fill the bath with water, and just drop me in it)
.i don't believethat if you can dream ityou can do it,cos i once dreamt thati killed atlas,i tore him limb from limb and theni stabbed the globe he held,watched itdeflate,and sometimes i get sadabout the children in the worldwho will choke on all the wordsthat they'll never learn to speak,and there's a baby somewhere garglingthe meaning of his life,and he's a little bit upset that youkeep wiping itaway(i have no words for you)
.pour love allover, then strikea match;the fire willburn itself out,but the ruinswill smoulder
.i like to feed things inthrough my mind and then pull themright out of my chest when they'redone,put it on paper and call ita poem, feed itback into the brainand repeat, butanxiety says justlet this stuff go -cough up those wordsthat you've got in yourchest and dust off theshelf in your lungs, feelthem one last time if you wantbut please, send them away intheir poems, and quicki'm realsorry buti'm just notdone with themyetthere's nopoetry dripi can ripfrom the backof my handand my neck,can'tdischarge myselffrom this one(chew it up, spit it out)
.i will marry the moonand adopt a son, teachhim not to play with thehearts of stars(but he will)i will bring home a man,give him hope, hear himoutand then coughup his gutson the floor(i will end up there anyway, might as well say a prayer whilst i'm down there)
.there is a bodybloodless and pale,with dirty handstrying to wash it alloff, because if shecannot see it there'sa chance it won'texistso she buriedthe blood in themud with her babyteeth, asked theriver to take itaway, felt her bonesheave a sigh as shelay them all downon the banklet itallslip away(and no doubt he will say she was crazy, this bitch, with her tongue and her teeth and her mind)
.there are a million different worldsthat have been built on top of this one, and i know this cause they whisper throughthe cracks of doors in secretto each other -i heard you're never more than six feetfrom a rat, eight from a spider andseventy from the sea, please, don't letyourself drift any further out from me(holy ghost, are you flammable?)
or maybe it actually is.thisis nota love poem:this is not aboutme and how i hatethe way realism tastes.this is about you.this is about how youare one too many shades arrogant,how nearly every night youtry to forget that time hasleft you behind. this isabout your laugh and the way itwhispers "i can't rememberwhat i was like before ibecame this." and,if i'm being honest, this is abouthow i will never see your toococky for your own damn good grin thatmakes me go weak in the knees.this is about youand how you're not real and how i wishto god that i wasn't either.
five second suicideand as i pour myself out on these canvasesi drip over the edges, spilling dots ofabsence on the hungry earth.they call me jane doe,and i am not art.every evening, i close the door,close my eyes, disassemble.slowly, i've become fleeting.i float, my feet don't touch the ground.how can i crash?i fade, i dissolve,but i've lost the motive to explode.there's no glory in my death;i leave no trace of the dramatic.a man on the train last tuesdaynudged me, apologized, and carried on his way.he's the last person who'sspoken to me since then.we hit a notch in the tracks,the car wobbled.i stared at him silently,counting the infinite futuresthat suffocated behind my teeth.i'm dying in my own penitentiarywith the cell door key in my pocket.
You asked for dark poetry.i will neverbe niceto my enemies.i will devour them all.slowly.methodically.with a fork.
CandaceI have named the lumpin my throat Candace;and she is what her name means-penitent and contrite,remorseful for every word that slipspast her because they all havecome out misshapen and wrong.
disorder"mirror, mirror, on the wallwho's the fairest of them all?"i whispered to my doleful reflection,but this was no fairy tale:this was a small town on a cold, foggy night.my skeleton was so beautifuli wanted to showcase it,give onlookers a glimpse of my impendingdeath through my very flesh.i could picture myself, edges carved awaylike a cored apple.i just wanted to feel real.everyone around me chewed and swallowed so easilybut i just gnawed on my lip until itasted blood, and leta piece of myself die.the flavor made my mouth wateras my stomach ground out hoarserequests for expansion, for meaning.i held nothing within but pathetic yearning,hollow with self-hatred.i could only feel affection with pain.perfection became my obsession,consuming me alive the way i would haveloved to consume anything at all.some part of me believe i could be a super model,and living my life on ambition and emptinesswas the way to do it.every day i watched the little numberson t
you have seven days to live.1.the news doesn't hurt:it's his eyes that hurt you,the glimmer of his pastcreeping in just likehis father used to creep inat three a.m.with a sin on his mindand rage on his hands.he waits for you to react,but you don'tbecause he's suddenly seven again,hiding bruiseswhile mommy criesin a ball on the couch.2.you think timeis a funny thing.people talk about itlike it is an object:"I need more time," they say,like they will go to the store laterand buy more.but you know that timeis more like an ocean wave,with an endlesspounding that continueslong after we greet the dirt,and we want more time,but time doesn't want us.3.he tries to force youinto his wrists,his ankles, his collarbone.he thinks that if heloves you enough,he can save you.you know that he can't,so you cut through himnight after night,searching for an exit.4.sometimes death scares you.you remind yourself thateverything ends,no matter how much you wantan infin
titans.they don’t tell you thatone day,sisyphus just let the rock roll downand collect his bodylike dust.they don’t tell you that you can still walkwith holes in your legsand you can still lovewhen your heart has already been ripped open.they don’t tell you thatyou are 75% of an oceanthat is six miles deepand eats ships alive,75% of the water that shapes canyons,75% of the rain that drowned the earthfor forty days and nights.they don’t tell you thatyour body is made of the same carbonas starsand diamonds.they don’t tell you thatthere is a fire burning inside of youor that your bones are stronger than steelor that the things that fuel youfuel tigers, too.the greeks and romans wrote stories abouthow strong you wereand you are icarus,and you died laughingbecause they didn’t tell youhow beautiful the world really waseven as it was swallowedby the waves.
Paper PlanesWe use to fold paper planes togetherBy the dinner table after supper.Once we finished we would write our deepest desires into themAnd then throw them into open space.WatchingThemDisappear.We would watch as they glided their wayAcross the plains.We would see which one of our planes flew the farthest.Which one of our dreams went further.But that tooDisappeared.Like everything in life.I got olderBut I never grew up.I got busy.And you did too.Our conversations now can be put into three categories:Greetings, food and farewells.Somehow, we’re both okay with that.I sometimes pray to the same God that you say you once knewTo the one you still wear around neckIn hopes that maybe, one day,Things will returnTo how they once were.See, ‘cause the plane that was supposeTo take me from my child to adulthoodStill hasn’t landed. DelayedBy a storm I cannot define.And I don’t plan on ever leaving the roofAbove me.How could I? When I feelSo safe,So
Hate Sleeping AloneEach nightI lay in bed...Letting my coversTry to keep me warmThough they're neverAs warm as your arms.Letting my dreamsTry to soothe meInto a deathly calmThough they're neverAs calming as yourQuiet snores.Letting hundreds of sheepTry to caress my eyesTo finally closeThough they shall neverComfort meIn the way your gentle handIn mine will.And while the covers may tryThey will never fill the placeWhere you slept beside me.My dreams will neverFill the emptiness leftWithout your breathe.The sheep will neverLift me awayLike the comfort of knowingThat your near meAnd that youWill be the first thing I seeWhen I wakeAlways has.And each night I stay awakeBecause without youI'd rather not sleep.
.my demonsmiss yours(he must be dead; his eyes are closed)