.i will swallowthat white pearlon my tonguebut i'll open upfor no one
.he pointsto a crucifixon the left sideof his necktells me he can end allof your suffering -and i look at himand i cross my arms, thinkinghe can't even do this
.sometimes faith slowlyprises open our ribsdecides to slip outquietlyand unseen
.i think you know of hair wound tight round a hand like ropeof thoughts that sail in and let down anchorin the night, sleep drifting away on the black tide,i think you know of god up in the crow's nest, keeping watchhis eyes have rolled at us so much they rattle, loose nowin their pits like marbles, they say he knowsi have examined the slides of my childhood, uprooted my body,yanked myself out of my years with my own gloved handlike a weed and stared in disgust, it's only naturalthat you should still want to sleep with one arm overyour head, she said, don't you think?i think the sun lit upthe world's scarsand felt bad, hung its headthrough the horizonand cried in shamenow i don't think it's evergoing to stop raining(i am holding up my mind, i am shoving it in your face)
.the rabbits twitchin their sleep;they dreamof red bitten neckswet with spit,the birds dream of their eggscrackedand runny -the mice dream of hearingthat tabby cat screamas the teeth of life ripitwide open
.in the beginningin the bonewhite tendrilsof holy fire, the nightate away at it all,that acid tide -it ate away atthe bud in the mudand the blood,it burned their bodiesbut left their ghostsso they could beidentified -and then a wildman, a monsterpressed his thumb intothe air, he drewa cross upon his facesaid lightand nowi am drowningi am drowning in lighti am drowningin the whiteand the goldas he sitsat the end of my bedand he shouts -for somethingor someonei don't knowand i scream, god, please justlet me sleep!let me sleepin the cold barren groundof the earth,let it pull me right inthrough its mangle -and i feel a stingin the crook of my armwhen they come(and then even the wolves, even the wolves start to whimper)
.the first time my father holds me,he shoves one handinto my mothers armsand grabs meby the back of my babygrow, roughlyraises me upwith his big clenched fistand i hang there, like a kittenby the taut pink scruffhe sayswhat a small nothingyou are(but now he is nothing, gone, dust)
.i wokeon theedgeof nothing,one armdanglingover theledge(numb from the wrists down)
.i will carrya small hope, a grainof itin my pocket(it will do whatever it can)
.something snappedlike boneand blood floweredon the carpet(i grabbed the hand of that man, and he knew)
.i feel in a languagei don't understand,and the wings of the bird in my kitchen, theywon't get to feel the sky anymore -and sometimes doesn't it feel good?to put two fingers round the neckof a flower andsnap,hear the petals scream fortheir withering limbs,then start choking(instinct)
.the moon shudders;silver dust landsin my hair and i sigh,knock it off -what's your problem?i'm frustrated -i've been trying tostrike a match that won'tlight for two hours,she saysyou carry a lighter,remember?
.everyone is here, noweveryone here is slamming doors,nowyou examine my eyes in the morning, freshbruises the colourof rose and lemon, look!it's hail, mary(how i'd love to be full of grace)
.she saysexplain these thingsto me -i say the silence sort of ticks - my sadnesshas a face, think blue, think black and grey, think sanguinered, the end of may, he had a pulse too strongfor me to take,i killed it, stripped it bare, i carried it rightto it's grave - i say andmy lungs, they feel like frost, they're filled with silverlight and sharpness, rattling pips, a scream - i stayedinside my bed for weeks, i didn't eat, i didn'tdream - i think in fire, flame, volcano,resurrect you, keep your nameinside me like a splinterturning green(i could not bring myself to say yes, but i think you know that)
.and they knew,they knew i'd gone -when they found me outside crouchedwith a string box and stick, singingi'm going to catch me my death,make him sick -now i sit in a gown that is whiterthan white, doesn't suit me,this ghost to myself -on the corridor bench with my kneestucked in under my chin, rattlingwith green yellow blue(i've told you, i know where i'm going)
.and you;i understand if you have towith the sun painted gold on yourtiger back bone, i won't moveeverything else is in it's place,everything -if you open your eyes up wide,put your ear tothe lungs that breathe insidebut not in mine, no not in my holy waters,my still still waters, but stillthe sea will surge overthe sand, and i will take whateveryou can give me and sleep, i will sayi want the hand of god betweenmy ribs, i want a mechanical life,i want no part in the winding evilcurling itself inside me, pleasei want no part in settling down, i wantto see stars the colour of champagne, openwrists like blind slats so i can seethe light, keep fresh insidewith cling film stretched across,go on then do it, listen, i will let you,i will take your lover's song, the blamebe storyteller to them all, sit intheir kitchens, pet their dogsconceal the fact and smileas life drags me down the aisleto that bastard standing theredressed all in black, the king of allthat dea
.some warm blooded beastsmells something here;eyes move over small lives slowlycooking in the sun, roadkillis no fun -(but there are things he cannot see)
.love like thunder;make yourself known
resurgencelet's make small talk,six month silence swelling;sticking inside our throats,filling the space between us.let's make small talkand skirt furtive eyes aroundthe absence we never quiteaccustomed ourselves to.this is easy,but then it's always beeneasy.we move lightly,flow smoothlyin synchronous;an oh-so similarfamiliar scene.let's make small talk,stumble on faux pas promisesand the intimacy between twowho are no longer intimate.orbiting the past,we dance in words.
float onnow I'm thinkingthat the moon's smarter than me:she's in love with the earthbut keeps her distance,keeps moving,keeps living.I lose my orbitwhen you're not around,and I find myself without gravity,waiting for you all nightwhen I know you'd rather besomewhere else.
Forgiveness takes twoThe words are strugglingto tumble off my tongue,and despite havinga fleshy cushionto rest on,they stain my teethand sting like acid"I'm sorry," I stutter,but the bitter tastedoesn't leave my tongue-not because the words weren't true,but because I knowI won't hear,"me too."
IntrovertEveryone's tryingto get out ofthe shadowof their parents-I'm here tryingto get out ofthe shadowof myself.
my brother's room holds both heaven and hellHe envelops himselfin covers and darknesslest he see the nightmareshe fearslest he see the nightmares he hears.He tells mein pained whisperof the hate discarded angels sing from his wallshow god damnsthe souls of those so irreparably broken as him.I try fashion my love into a weapon that couldsmite even those which godcould only nail to his wallsbut my weapon is wastedFor these enemies are ones I'll never see.He tells mein weakened screamsof the lovewretched demonswhisper from darkened cornerswith false faces and intentionshow only they can protect himhow he must die so he can be free of this burdenAnd though I use my love to screamdeafening hope to cloud suchcruel thoughtsI know he
It Comes With AgeYour bonesmight as wellbe of papier-mâché,at thetragic ratethey're decayingaw a y.
CoffeeI want to go outAnd drink coffee.Talk about lifeAnd kiss you.But that is silly isn't it?I don't like coffee much.I'll just buy some for youSo I can watch you smile.Then lets dance and laugh becauseIt's an amazing feeling to be loved.
You only fly for a little whileShe was just four years oldkicking her feetharder and harder,as the swingset creakedand crackedShe finally reached the peak,jumped off,and said,"Mama, I'm gonna fly."and so she did;three feet into the air,sticking the landinglike a gymnastAnd I wonder everydayif those were the same wordsshe mutteredbefore jumping off that bridge,unable to remember,you only fly for a little while.
Melancholy thoughtsI tastethe sweetnessin your words,only to wonderhow many othershave tastedthem too.
.in the bodyof a dead womani am aliveand kicking