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Submitted on
December 8, 2013
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you forget that
roses have thorns;

a prick of the
skin will tell you
that you're holding
her too tight
cos she's not gonna say it
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:iconyournotmytype-89:
YourNotMyType-89 Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
Very elegant & heart-warming ^^
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:iconecho-of-echo:
Echo-of-Echo Featured By Owner Mar 1, 2014
    The link that the two 'stanzas' have is like a haiku, as is the semicolon. They seem to be two different statements but you linked them nicely with the rose symbolism. It's not the most original symbol to use, but since you don't focus too heavily on it you manage to keep the poem's solemnity and not make it trite.
 
   I don't know whether you are trying for fewer syllables but the word 'tight' should be an adverb, 'tightly,' to be proper grammar. I also think that the semicolon is out of place if you don't want to use any other punctuation including a period at the end. 

    The most obvious part of this poem is its size and simplicity. It leads to concision, and makes the poem to the point. You haven't embellished it with any flourish or extraneous language. But the brevity also leads to a plain feeling that errs more on the side of a text message than that of a poem. Still, the tiny number of words clearly adds a level of difficulty to the crafting of a poem. You managed to make the point understandable with a bare minimum of space used and that gives the poem a more serious quality. It is easier to believe this is a poem because of forms like the Haiku and the Cinquain. Clearly you have managed a popular style admirably. 


Written on behalf of GrammarNaziCritiques
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:iconsecondinfinity:
SecondInfinity Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2014
You make me want to start writing poetry
I wish I knew how though D: 

But still, you're very inspiring
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:iconoaklungs:
oaklungs Featured By Owner Feb 17, 2014
this is a lovely thing to hear, thank you so much :tighthug:
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:iconcocobutters:
cocobutters Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2014
i really do like it :P
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:iconcocobutters:
cocobutters Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2014
interesting poem to honor your betrothed on v day for sure lol
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:iconoaklungs:
oaklungs Featured By Owner Feb 9, 2014
haha, that would indeed be interesting :giggle:
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:iconunisis-2-in-1-beauty:
Unisis-2-in-1-beauty Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2014  Student General Artist
well written and beautiful.
thanks :)
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:iconoaklungs:
oaklungs Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2014
thank you very much :)
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:iconunisis-2-in-1-beauty:
Unisis-2-in-1-beauty Featured By Owner Jan 12, 2014  Student General Artist
you are very much welcome ^-^
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